


A Performance For The Cowards

by princelogical



Series: The Human!Sides College AU Verse [12]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Past Character Death, Violence, human!AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2018-12-27 19:53:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12088203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princelogical/pseuds/princelogical
Summary: Roman is braver than ever. He's showed up all of the ghosts of his past, he’s in college, he’s making solid friendships, and everything seems perfect.But when a bully from Roman's past comes back, his mom shares some heartbreaking news, and Roman's grades begin slipping down the toilet, Roman feels like maybe he isn't brave at all; maybe he's just a fraud.





	1. Chapter 1

**Monday, May 8 th 2017**

“I’m genie in a bottle, baby! You gotta rub me the right way!”

Roman grunted in half annoyance, half amusement as Kit practically screamed the lyrics to Genie in a Bottle as he typed sloppily on his laptop. It was a great way to start a morning, really. A hungover roommate finishing up his assignment that was due Friday as he sang along to Christina Aguilera while Roman tried to frantically finish dressing so he could make it to the early appointment he’d set with his guidance counsellor.

If there was anything Roman was dreading, that was it.

She went from casually emailing him a polite, “Hello, Roman! I would like to schedule a meeting to discuss your progress.” to calling him saying, “Roman, I seriously need to speak with you. This school year is almost finished. Please call me back.” Roman finally stopped ignoring her calls and decided to bravely give her a call and schedule a meeting.

Roman grabbed his bag and gave one last look at Kit then firmly shut tmhe door behind him. It was so early that the sun was barely peeking through and the birds hadn’t quite yet started singing. The halls were empty minus one couple arguing in hushed voices by the elevator. Roman awkwardly slid past them and pressed the button for the lobby.

The doors slid open and three students poured out, all holding coffees from the café with bags smeared under their eyes. It was finals season; such a sight was common at that point. Roman entered the elevator and waited, leaning against the wall as he watched the numbers tick down. He yawned and wished he had time to grab himself a coffee; he had a feeling it was going to be a hard day to get through.

The door slid open again and Roman was surprised to see Patton waiting, holding his own bag with a tired frown on his face as he glanced at his watch. Roman made a point of standing up taller and putting on a big smile. Patton looked up and returned it.

“Hey, kiddo! What’re you doing up so bright and early?” Patton asked with a cheerful smile.

“Just some stuff to work out with the counsellor,” Roman said brightly. “And what are you doing up so early?”

“They just let me off work,” Patton replied. “Everything okay? You look pretty tired.” Patton’s eyes were searching over Roman’s face as if examining every feature; he probably was.

“Yep,” Roman said. He tried to make his smile even brighter. “Just tired, because, ya know, finals.”

“Yeah. They’re not much fun, are they?” Patton said. “But hey, one more year and you’ve got your bachelor’s, kiddo! That’s great!”

The praise sent a sliver of… _something_ choking down Roman’s throat. He tried to keep his smile steady as he said, “Thanks, man. So, I gotta blast. You know, princely stuff to attend to.”

Patton grinned. “Sure thing! See you, Roman.”

“See ya.” He sent finger guns Patton’s way and continued making his way to the counsellor’s office.

The waiting area was empty; no student in their right mind put off meeting with the counsellor for so long, but heck, there Roman was, sighing as he sat tiredly down onto the worn seat in the waiting area. The clock ticked from the other side of the room; Roman watched it hit 5:45. The door to the counsellor’s office opened and she peaked her head out.

She smiled at Roman. “Good to see you made it, Roman! Come on in.”

Roman followed into the office, the door shutting behind him. The counsellor walked across the room and sat behind her desk, shuffling around with a stack of papers. Roman sat across from her, dropping his bag to the side. The papers stopped shuffling and there was silence. The counsellor looked up and folded a few papers, setting them neatly in front of her. She smiled again.

“I appreciate you meeting with me so early; with finals, it’s hard to find any free time.”

“Yeah,” Roman agreed with a smile.

“So, onto the more boring matters, let’s talk about your grades.”

Roman nodded. “Okay.”

“I’m going to be upfront with you, Roman. I am very concerned.”

Roman swallowed and tried his best not to let his polite smile waver. “Ah.”

“Your grades are plummeting. You went from Bs to Cs to Ds in half your classes in a matter of months. I can’t accept this. Do you truly want your bachelor’s at this point?” she asked. “Be honest with me.”

“Yes,” he snapped. No hesitance. “Of course I do.”

“Then I suggest you act like it.” She sighed and pulled off her glasses, her dark black and grey hair tumbling over her face. She met his eyes dead on. Roman focused on the little red prints the glasses had left on the bridge of her nose. “You are an exceptionally talented young man and your performance in the dramatic arts is unreal. I have faith that with talent like yours, you’ll have many options. However, without finishing college, I can’t remain so hopeful. And these grades…” She frowned. “I’m here to help you, Roman. Is there something going on that is impacting your grades?”

“No. I’ll work harder. I’ll have my friend help me catch up on late work,” Roman said. “It’s not a big deal.”

The guidance counsellor shook her head. “Roman, this is a big deal. You need to take this education more seriously-”

Roman gritted his teeth. “I am taking it seriously. Very seriously.”

She frowned. “This doesn’t seem to me like you are.”

“I am!” Roman said desperately. “I’m very grateful for this… this school and all they’ve done for me. I just- I have a hard time in some subjects sometimes.”

“Roman, I know. And with dedication, I am certain you can pass, and excel, in most, if not all, of your classes. You just need to have the dedication to put in the extra work. Cut out activities that might be entirely productive-”

“I’m not involved in any activities that aren’t productive.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Roman, I know you are heavily involved in the theater club-”

“My major is the dramatic arts!” Roman snapped in exasperation.

“I know,” she soothed. “However, Roman, the club involves several activities, such as parties-”

“Which aren’t even bad! And I don’t go to all of them-”

“I would suggest you stop interrupting me,” she said. “I can see both of our patience is wearing away.” Roman made a point of keeping his mouth firmly shut. “The club is not one of your classes. I am only suggesting you remove yourself from it for the time being. Your classes always come before extracurriculars and often it is best to pause extracurricular activities until your actual studies are caught up and on track.”

She was met with silence. “Roman?”

“I will get back on track. Is that all?” Roman asked.

She sighed. “That is all.”

Roman stood up, not bothering to push his seat in, knowing it would bother the counsellor. He reached the door when she stopped him, calling out his name.

“Roman.”

“Yes?”

“Good luck.”

Roman huffed and snapped the door shut behind him.

-O-

Classes went very slowly as they often did on Mondays. The only highlight was Kit presenting his half-attempted paper for Roman’s humanities class about the effects of drugs and alcohol on a young adult’s brain as he kept forgetting what he was saying halfway through because his hangover headache was so bad. Roman swore he saw Logan snicker at one point.

After class, Logan scrambled up to him holding a thick stack of papers and carefully pulled off a sheet and handed it Roman.

“I wanted to give this to you first, because it is often that friends share things with each other before others and I would consider us to have become friends this year.”

Roman didn’t even try to muffle a fond smile. “Yup. So, what is this?”

“It’s the summer campus sheet,” Logan said.

“Ew, yuck. Who attends school over the summer?”

“I did!” Logan said eagerly. “Throughout high school I attended summer college prep courses. It was one of the few achievements my parents showed pride in. However, this is not about summer school; this information sheet merely talks about spending the summer on campus.”

“Why would someone do that?” Roman asked, glancing over the paper.

Logan shrugged. “Various reasons. Some students enjoy the atmosphere the campus provides. Others are too far away from home to go back and have nowhere else to go.” Logan looked back up to Roman. “It just depends upon one’s situation. I am planning on staying, as I have budgeted for it since last December.”

“Nerd,” was all Roman could say. Logan blushed.

“I am staying for reasons other than academics.”

“I know, Logical Disaster.”

Logan frowned. “I still do not understand your nicknames.”

“And you never will,” Roman said with a grin. He patted Logan’s shoulder and walked off, folding the paper along the way. His phone beeped in his pocket and Roman took it out, stepping aside in the hallway for the stream of students coming out of the classroom.

**Instagram: sixty new likes!**

**YouTube: 4 of the people you are subscribed to have uploaded new videos!**

**Missed call from unknown number!**

**New text from unknown number!**

**Unknown Number (9:22am):** Hello. Is this Roman?

**New text from Mom!**

**Mom (1:22pm):** Roman, u left ur boxers in the guest bedroom again. -_-

 **Mom (1:23pm):** love u huny. <3

**New text from Hot Topic!**

**Hot Topic (1:44pm):** We still on tonight? I rented ur stupid Cinderella film so u better kiss my feet.

 **Roman to Unknown Number (3:58pm):** yes, dis b him. who r u?

 **Roman to Mom (3:59pm):** lobe u too :*

 **Roman to Mom (3:59pm):** Ilove*

 **Roman to Mom (3:59pm):** *loce

 **Roman to Mom (3:59pm):** *LOVE

 **Princey to Hot Topic (4:00pm):** we still on. ur gonna luv it!!

 **Hot Topic (4:01pm):** how many times do I have to tell u, I’ve SEEN Cinderella.

 **Princey (4:03pm):** so glad,,, i can introduce u,,, 2 new movies

 **Hot Topic (4:01pm):** yea, bye

-O-

Roman leaned against the wall behind Virgil’s bed as Virgil scribbled something down in a notepad. His nose was scrunched up in concentration, his hoodie discarded on the floor beside the bed. Roman tried his best to avoid staring at Virgil’s arms, because he knew deep down how much trust it took for Virgil to be broadcasting one of his greatest insecurities like that; however, it proved to be kind of hard. It made a lump form in Roman’s throat every time he thought that once upon a time, Virgil had almost killed himself, for whatever reason. He could have never met Virgil, a guy that was surprisingly much better than his horrible fashion taste. The air through the room seemed to grow chilly, but it didn’t seem to bother Virgil. Roman sighed dramatically.

“She wants me to put aside theater club. _Theater club_! I’m majoring in theater!”

Virgil raised an eyebrow and looked up. “Well, fix your grades so you don’t have to give it up.”

“I can’t just fix my grades!” Roman said, offended. “It’s hard.”

“Okay…” Virgil trailed off, looking a little sheepish. “Then… What’s hard?”

Roman blinked. “I can’t pinpoint anything specific, obviously.”

Virgil rolled his eyes and dropped the notepad, crossing his arms. “You’re being dramatic, Princey. What’s got your grades dropping anyway?”

“I just have trouble, that’s all. I don’t see why it’s such an issue. I do well in drama class.”

Virgil pinched his nose. “Maybe ask for extra help? Or ask Logan; Logan’s good for helping with school stuff.”

“Whatever, I’ll ask Logical Disaster in the morning. Now are we watching Cinderella or not?”

Virgil gave an exasperated look and got up, collecting his hoodie. “We can watch Cinderella, moron.”

“I’m offended.”

“Good.”

Virgil shoved his arms in the sleeves and Roman watched as he dug through his backpack for the Cinderella disc. “How have you been doing, Hot Topic? Any troubles you want to get off your chest?” he asked idly.

“Is it normal to just ask someone to unload their crap on you?” Virgil grumbled, pushing aside a pile of unorganized papers from his bag.

“No, but I don’t care.”

“Well, Michael’s coming back next fall semester and room inspection’s been all over me for making sure I have it all ready. _Months in advance._ ” Virgil shoved the papers back in, with a satisfied grunt as he pulled out the plastic holder for the disc. “Tell me; does this room look messy?”

Roman looked over the room. Virgil’s drawers were all neatly shut and his bed made pretty well for two people having been sitting on it. But his backpack was tossed on the floor, propped against a lamp. A pile of textbooks were tilting dangerously at the end of the dresser and notebooks were strewn about the room in several places.

“It’s not ideal,” Roman said, shrugging.

“Shut up.”

“You asked!”

Virgil flung the disc at him. “Shut up or I’m putting in Black Cauldron.”

“I wouldn’t complain.”

“You’re lucky I made room for you to whine in my tight schedule. I still have studying to do for finals.” Virgil flopped back next to Roman and grabbed his laptop.

“You’ll always have room for me in your schedule, Hot Topic,” Roman said. He grinned as Virgil raised an eyebrow. “I’m the most important person of all!”

Virgil snorted. “Right. Okay. Right.” He was full out laughing. “Let’s just watch the movie.”

Roman nodded in agreement as Virgil began placing the disc into his laptop. Roman pulled out his phone and pulled up Instagram. He clicked the new post button and selected one he’d taken on Saturday with his mom; she was laughing at something stupid he’d said, the sun illuminating the thick apple tress behind her.

 **@romantlks;** life’s got its ups nd downs. u’ve been there thru it all.

Roman set his phone down and focused on the movie, not noticing a new notification on his phone.

**@DevonFx has liked your photo! (2s ago)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Tuesday, May 9 th 2017**

**Mom is calling!**

Roman sleepily turned over in bed to see the glowing screen on his phone. Kit’s snores from the other side of the room worked to nearly drown out the quiet ringing of his phone. With one glance at the time (6:33 am), he picked up the phone and slid to accept the call. He laid back against his pillows with a puff of air.

“Hey, mom.”

“Hey, brat.” She sounded exhausted, Roman noticed. Just as she did on Sunday when he had visited her.

“It’s pretty early. I don’t get up for another half hour.”

“I’m sorry, Roman.”

“Nah, ‘s fine.” He yawned and tried to blink the fogginess from his vision. “What’s up?”

“Well, I wanted to get to talk to you.”

“I’m listening.”

She giggled. “I bet you’re still half asleep in bed.”

Roman sat up and rubbed his eyes. “Why would you think that?”

“Mother’s intuition,” she teased. “But I do have a reason for calling you.”

“I assumed. You never get up before noon.”

“Can it or I’m making carrots and oatmeal raisin cookies for dinner next time you come.”

Roman gasped. “You wouldn’t!”

“I would.”

Roman groaned, fighting a fond smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “So, whatchya calling for?”

“It’s kind of serious, honey.”

“I can take serious.”

“Of course you can,” she said with a laugh that sounded plastic as the case around Roman’s phone. He felt his heart skip a beat. _Yikes_.

“Yeah,” he said, desperate for the light teasing to continue. “I’m a mature adult, don’t you know?”

“Mature Roman who throws his boxer shorts on the floor instead of taking them back to campus?”

“Mom, don’t expose me.”

“You deserve exposure, my little star.”

“Not _that_ kind of exposure,” he argued, grinning. “Please, I have a rep to keep up.”

“Of course you do. But sweetheart, I really need to tell you something.”

“Shoot,” he said. He stood up and made his way to his dresser and began digging through his drawers to grab some clothes.

“Sweetheart… Your dad’s mom is… sick.”

Roman blinked. “Uhm… how?”

“She has lung cancer.”

“No,” Roman whispered.

“Y-”

“Mom, no. No _way_.”

His mom sounded on the brink of tears as she said, “Sweetheart, it’s not as bad as your dad’s; they found it earlier. There’s a lot of hope.”

Roman took a deep breath. He wasn’t going to discourage his mom. _~~Roman’s dad died six months after his diagnosis.~~_ “Yeah. Yeah, of course there is.”

“…I just wanted you to know.”

“I know.”

“We just have to pray.”

“Yeah.”

“I love you, Roman. Have a good day at school.”

“I will. I love you.”

-O-

Roman couldn’t stop thinking about the phone call all throughout classes. He kept picturing his dad in the hospital bed as his health deteriorated. He wondered if his grandma was already starting treatments. He wondered if she was scared. He wondered- He stopped letting himself think after that, just drifting off into a daydream 100x better than reality.

It was surprisingly easy to catch Logan after classes; the nerd tripped in the hallway as he carried several boxes of yellow highlighters, pens, and flashcards up to the dorm, taking a mighty tumble. Roman helped pick up the items as Logan sighed in annoyance.

“I need this stuff for studying,” Logan said.

“I don’t need an explanation,” Roman said with a smile. “Hey, I actually have a question.”

“Yes?”

“Could you… help me with something?”

“It depends what you need help with.”

“School.”

“Could you be more specific?” Logan asked.

Roman coughed. “I’m gonna be upfront with you, but you can’t tell anyone.”

Logan sighed, dragging a tired hand down his face and gave Roman an unimpressed look. “Why does everyone act as if I will go spilling their secrets the moment I’m left out of their sight?”

“All right, you won’t tell anyone. Cool. I’m almost failing half my classes. Help.”

Logan blinked, eyes blank. Then realization dawned over his face. “Do you want me to help you study?”

“Yes. Please.”

“I would not be opposed to helping you. We could start tonight?”

Roman’s eyes widened. “Tonight?”

“Better to start now than never, yes?” Logan asked. “You can meet me in my dorm after I get off work. I will help you with as much as possible.”

“Psh. Nerd.” Logan looked hurt. Roman rushed to correct himself. “I mean, thank you. I do appreciate it, Logan. Thanks.” He gave Logan a genuine smile and Logan returned it.

He waved and walked towards the cafeteria. His phone beeped from in his pocket and he opened it to two new texts.

**Unknown Number (11:22am): Devon Fox.**

**Unknown Number: (4:00pm): From school.**

Roman nearly dropped his phone. Devon Fox. Devon _freaking_ Fox. Devon _started Roman’s school-wide reputation of “princess”_ Fox. Devon _started the rumor that Roman’s mom slept around and Roman was a “one night stand” baby_ Fox. Devon _“Roman’s a fat coward who can’t throw a punch”_ Fox. Devon _choked Roman out in front of his peers over a stupid ball_ Fox.

Devon _made Roman’s life hell_ Fox.

Devon _has the **nerve** to come texting Roman after all those years of torment _ Fox.

Roman gave a cry of anger and flung his phone onto the floor. The back busted and his battery skirted across the cafeteria floor. A few students looked up, eyebrows raised at the scene. Roman took a deep breath and knelt down to pick up the pieces of his phone. His hands trembled as he clicked the back onto the phone. He didn’t care about the crack in the corner; he didn’t even notice it. He just shoved the phone in his pocket and walked out of the cafeteria.  

“Roman!”

Roman turned around to see Valerie running after him, a smile on her face. “Hey, the theater club’s throwing a big party at Roxie’s tonight. You coming?”

Roman threw on a bright smile. His hands still trembled so he shoved them into his pockets. “I can’t. I’ve got a study date.”

“Oo.” She wiggled her eyebrows with a smirk. “With who?”

Roman laughed and shoved her lightly on the shoulder. “Not that kind of study date. Logan’s helping me pull my grades up.”

“All that boy does is study,” she said.

“Yeah, but you get used to it. He’s not bad.”

“He’s really sweet,” Valerie said.

Roman raised his eyebrows. “Sweet? Not quite the right word.”

“Okay, maybe not, but he’s nice.” She tossed her hair over her shoulder. “Wish you were coming tonight, but I get it. See you around.”

He waved as she walked off.

“Sup, Princey?”

Roman jolted and Virgil stood behind him, smirking. “Oh, cute. Sneaking up on me,” Roman said with a huff.

“I totally freaked you out.”

“Not in the slightest,” Roman argued. Virgil raised an eyebrow and Roman waved him off. “Perhaps a little startled would be correct, but no, Hot Topic, you could never scare a brave prince such as me.”

“Right,” Virgil drawled. “You look tense. Still worried about classes?”

Roman shrugged, slipping his hands into his pocket and drawing his thumb over the crack in the corner of the phone. “Not particularly. Sir Nerd should be able to help me enough to at least pull them up to decent. I’ve never got good grades anyway. It’s never been a big deal.”

“Not everyone’s made to be a genius,” Virgil said. “I graduated high school with only a 3.6.”

“2.4.”

“Huh?”

“I graduated with a 2.4. I think I got you beat on the ‘who’s the stupidest’ here.”

“You’re not stupid. And bad grades don’t mean jack,” Virgil said. He was frowning, dropping the teasing tone entirely. “They especially don’t mean either of us are stupid. Heck, you somehow got into this school and it’s one of the best in the country.”

Roman shrugged. “Of course. Everyone has to have a flaw somewhere- even those as perfect as me.”

Virgil rolled his eyes. “Give me a break, man. You busy tonight?”

“Yes. I’m studying with Logan. You’re not invited.”

“Where is Virgil not invited?” Logan had arrived again, arms empty this time and crossed as he stood beside the two.

“Roman says I can’t study with you guys,” Virgil said.

“I don’t see any issue with you studying with us. Matter of fact, Patton could as well. We could all study together; it would be fun!”

Roman rolled his eyes, unable to help a fond smile pressing at the corners of his mouth. “Leave it to you to find studying _fun_.”

Logan frowned. “Studying is very calming to me.”

“Studying makes me want to tear my eyebrows out,” Virgil mumbled.

Roman raised an eyebrow. “All righty there, edgelord.”

Virgil gave him a shove. “Shove off. I gotta get to work, so see you guys. I’ll get back to you on the studying th-”

“Angelina and I can drive you!” Roman called. A blush spread across Virgil’s face as several people turned to stare.

“You don’t just yell about your stupid car _Angelina_ in public like that.”

“Angelina’s my-”

“Baby,” Logan supplied. “We are well aware.”

“Let’s go or you’ll be late for work,” Roman sang. Virgil grumbled something to Logan about, “Tell Patton I’m going with Sir Sing A lot,” and then followed Roman out to Angelina.

“Someday I’ll get my license and won’t have to rely on idiots like you to drive me anymore,” Virgil said. He switched off the radio and grabbed Roman’s phone, plugging it in. Roman shifted his gaze to Virgil’s hands then shifted them back to the mirrors as he pulled out of the lot.

“How’d you crack your phone?”

“Dropped it,” Roman lied. “My poor baby,” he crooned for show, reaching for the iPhone.

Virgil jerked it away. “God, is every material possession you own your ‘baby’?”

“Yes.”

“Holy crap, man, who’s DevonFX?”

“Hm?” Roman asked, confused.

“DevonFX. There’s a ton of notifications where they went through and liked about a billion of your Instagram pictures- Wait- you have Instagram.” Virgil started laughing. “Oh my God, I should have known. What’s your user? Can I follow-”

“No,” Roman said hurriedly. Virgil snapped his mouth shut and Roman could feel Virgil’s eyes on him. “I mean,” Roman rushed to explain, “that my Instagram is terribly boring. A lot of Disney. Too much Disney. Matter of fact- So much Disney, you might actually explode. It’s an annoying account-”

“Roman, it’s okay. I won’t follow you,” Virgil said. “I respect your privacy.”

Roman relaxed; he realized his grip on the steering wheel was way too tight. Virgil must have thought Roman was an idiot, freaking out over an Instagram account. “Thank you.”

He felt Virgil’s eyes on him again. “No problem.” Virgil continued flicking through Roman’s phone and he couldn’t help his heart thudding dangerously in his chest; he felt about to puke. He trusted Virgil. He really did, but he’d die if anyone he knew in real life saw his Instagram. All the times he’d bared his soul out there, having nowhere else to put it. All the sappy, sad, and dramatic things- Oh God.

Roman risked a look at the screen at a traffic stop. Apple Music. He instantly felt terrible for mistrusting Virgil. Blink 182 began to flow through the speakers and Virgil smirked at him. Roman let out a dramatic groan.

“I do have other music options besides this garbage.”

“Okay,” Virgil said. “I’ll pick… Hm…” He heard tapping. “You have a “Princely Anthems” playlist? Roman, what the heck?”

“I’m revoking phone privileges if you make one more rude comment towards my darlings-”

“They’re _playlists_ , Roman.”

“Darlings,” Roman insisted.

Roman didn’t have to look to know Virgil was rolling his eyes. “Fine, something we both like.” Blink 182 abruptly stopped. Then What Makes You Beautiful filled the speakers, but even louder were Virgil’s giggles. Roman pulled into Virgil’s stop; Virgil kept laughing so hard, tears were leaking from his eyes. With hands shaking of laughter, Virgil pulled out his phone and began playing a voice recording of Roman screech-singing the same song.

Roman blushed. “Get out of my car.”

Still giggling, Virgil gave a thumbs up and pushed open the door, stumbling out. “Thanks for making my day, Roman,” Virgil said.

Roman rolled his eyes as Virgil shut the door and walked up to the front. Roman made sure Virgil got inside then pulled out into a parking space; he opened up his phone. He slid down the notification bar. Virgil was right; DevonFX had gone through and liked nearly all his photos- even ones reaching years back. Roman tapped the username then was taken to a profile page; he felt like his heart stopped for the third time that day.

Devon Fox.

He hadn’t seen him in so long- since the day he graduated high school to be exact. He’d changed. He’d grown facial hair, his blonde hair was more-so brunette, and apparently, he’d gotten married and was expecting a child in October. A freaking _child_.

Roman felt a lump growing in his throat; Devon Fox had seen _everything_. Roman’s entire childhood laid out bare, his fears, his insecurities, his anger, his triumph- everything. His worst nightmare, the guy who sent shivers through his body every time he thought of him, had Roman’s entire life in the palm of his hand.

Roman wished he’d used a fake name.

 **12w ago @DevonFX [cheesy picture of him holding his wife’s hand;** So blessed.

 **12w ago @DevonFX [picture of laptop];** Agh, I got so much work to do today. Ugh.

 **28w ago @DevonFX** **[picture of puppy];** welcome to the family, lil guy!

Roman’s hands shook. He closed out of Instagram and leaned back against the seat, staring at the ceiling.

  * **@romantlks [picture of graded paper with an F]; seems liek all i am is a failure lol**
  * **@romantlks [picture of father’s grave]; miss u**
  * **@romantlks [picture of a pile of Disney movie’s]; bad nights aren’t bad night when theres disney.**



Roman closed his eyes, feeling a strange heat against his eyes. Why was this happening? Why was everything crumbling when he’d finally began living his dream?

Why?

**Roman has changed Unknown Number’s name to Puke!**

The immature move felt satisfying to Roman. He clicked back to the conversation.

**Roman to Puke (4:45pm): What in God’s name do you want?**

-O-

“Math equations are stupid,” Roman groaned. Logan patiently slipped the textbook from Roman’s hands.

“You’re mixing X and Y up, Roman. It is an easy fix. Here.” Logan grabbed a pen from the pile dumped in the middle of his bed and opened one of his notebooks; he began writing something down. “It’s a simple mistake, but it affects the entire equation when you do so.” He handed the paper to Roman and Roman took it, blinking a few times before it finally looked like half-gibberish instead of complete gibberish.

“Oh,” Roman said lamely. “Okay.”

“Do you still not understand?”

“No,” Roman admitted.

“I’ll explain it again,” Logan said. The door to the dorm opened and Logan looked up as Patton came in, running a hand through his hair; he looked tired, Roman noted, but his face brightened upon seeing Virgil, Logan, and Roman sprawled out on Logan’s bed together.

“Hey, kiddos!” Patton said. “Studying?”

Virgil jerked up from drooling on his textbook. “Huh?” It took Roman loads of effort not to snort at Virgil’s rat’s nest of hair. “Oh, hey, Patton,” he said sleepily.

“Sort of studying,” Logan said. “We’ve been at the same equation for an hour.”

“Sorry, Logan,” Roman said.

Logan furrowed his eyebrows. “I’m not angry with you.”

Patton dropped his bag on his bed and pulled out his own textbooks. “Mind if I join you guys?”

“Go ahead,” Logan said. Logan’s eyes turned to focus on Virgil who was starting to nod off on top of his textbook once again. With a soft sigh, Logan gently slipped the textbook from under Virgil’s head and closed it. He threw his comforter over Virgil and turned back and looked surprised upon seeing Patton staring at him with a grin and Roman blinking in surprise. 

“He was drooling on his textbooks. The ink could smear. The paper is not made at top quality,” Logan defended.  

“Of course, kiddo,” Patton said, grin getting bigger.

“Let’s continue this mathematic equation,” Logan mumbled, ducking his head to hide the redness in his face.

Roman leaned over the notebook as Logan began rewriting the equation for the fifth time that night. Maybe Logan didn’t mind having to show Roman how to work the same equation over and over again; it was probably a nerd thing. Maybe it wasn’t such a big deal that Roman was nearly failing half his classes. Maybe. But it felt like a big deal- it felt like a huge deal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to "Anthems For A Seventeen Year Old Girl" about 20 times today and idk, I kept thinking 'bout roman lol.
> 
> I'm sick and feel miserable *finger guns* 
> 
> Anyway, let me know what u think. Questions, comments, critique, a song that I should listen to while I write this story... Lemme know!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Underage drinking.

**Wednesday, May 10 th 2017**

Roman woke up to the sound of his alarm blaring across the room. He grumbled in annoyance as he went to switch off the alarm and realized he was laying on the floor. He sat up in confusion, grabbing for his phone that sat kicked nearly all the way under Patton’s bed. Patton somehow remained sleeping, tucked under his covers. Roman frowned upon seeing Virgil pressed against the wall behind Logan’s bed taking deep breaths and wiping a hand across his hair.

“You get up earlier than I do,” Virgil said breathlessly as if that explained a single thing.

Logan looked up from his laptop. “I apologize, Roman; it did not seem necessary to wake you up last night.”

“That’s fine,” Roman said. “Please tell me you didn’t stay up all night on your computer though.”

Logan shook his head. “I woke up an hour ago. I wanted to complete some work before class.”

Virgil seemed calm enough to slip out of bed and grab his phone. “I’m going to go shower.” He stumbled out of the room, running another hand through his hair as he slipped from the room.

“Is he okay?” Roman asked.

“I think your alarm startled him,” Logan said as he continued to type. Roman still yet felt he was missing some essential piece.

He opened his phone, going through his notifications, yawning into his hands. The combination of the light hum of Logan’s laptop and Patton’s soft breathing was admittedly peaceful; he could see why Virgil preferred to hang out in their room.

 **Mom (2:22am):** You better be asleep, but just wanna say ily. :*

 **Puke (4:45am):** Getting ready for work rn. Could you call me sometime tonight? I want to talk.

Roman lowered his hands and stared ahead. Call? _Call_ Devon? Who did Devon think he was? Just because he’d grown up, got a wife, expecting a kid, got his life together or some… some _garbage_ like that, did he really think Roman was going to be buddy-buddy with him?

“Roman, are you alright?” Roman looked up. Patton was looking sleepily at him, pushed up on his elbow.

“Oh yeah, I’m Gucci,” Roman said with a smile. He switched off his screen, moving to slip the phone into his pocket. His hands were shaking again. _Darnit_. “I’m gonna go to my dorm to change.”

“Don’t change, we love you just the way you are,” Patton said.

Logan slammed his laptop shut. “No, it is too early for your… puns. No.”

Roman snickered. “See you guys later,” he said. As soon as he shut the door behind him, he slipped his phone back out of his pocket.

 **Roman to Puke (7:12am):** y should i call u? lol.

-O-

“Remember your essay on the industrial revolution is due tomorrow. You can check the email I sent last week for the grading rubric.” Roman’s history professor sighed tiredly and pushed her oversized glasses up her nose. “I know class isn’t over for another half hour, but since we’ve covered everything today, it would be useless to keep you all in here.” She smiled. Her under eye bags looked far more prominent when she did so. “You’re all dismissed.”

The class shuffled around and began shoving their textbooks in their bags. Roman picked up his books and laptop and began cramming them into his bag. He looked up and met eyes with the professor and she gestured from him to herself. He sighed, slung his bag over his shoulder and made his way to the front.

“Have a seat, Roman.” Roman did so, setting his bag down beside him. She laced her fingers together and smiled. Up close, she looked as if she’d been punched a few times in both eyes. Roman felt sorry for her. “How are you, Roman?”

“Good,” he said. He noticed her skeptical look and forced a smile on his face. “I’m great, actually.”

“That’s good to hear.” She opened a drawer near her knees and pulled out a stapled stack of papers. Roman recognized it as his last report. She slid it over to him. He eyed the grade with a fluttering heart. _D_. Great.

“This brings your grade down quite a bit, Roman. I wanted to discuss some of your options.” Roman nodded, finding it impossible to speak. “Now, I could just send you into your final and hope you do well. That would bring you to a decent grade. However, if you get anything less than a B on this final, you’re in danger land. You’ll have a high chance of failing. I’m not going to do that to you.” She opened another drawer and pulled out another thick packet of papers.

“This entire packet is worth fifty points of extra credit. This packet will bring your grade up to a C. If you do well on the midterm and the essay, you’ll end the class with a B or higher. I will give you the fifty points just for completing this packet with your best effort and you turn it in tomorrow. What do you say?”

“Thank you,” Roman said. His throat felt thick. “Uhm- I will complete the packet.”

“Good.” She handed him the stack. Roman took it and went to stand up. “Roman?”

“Yes, ma’am?”

She smiled softly. “If something is going on in your life where you need a listening ear, I’m here.”

Roman nodded. “Thank you. Have a nice day.”

“You too.”

Roman walked out, gripping the packet tighter than necessary. Why couldn’t he just be naturally intelligent? Like Logan, always knowing the answers. Or even Virgil; the emo nightmare still managed to get decent grades. But Roman was just an idiot who could barely get by with a passing grade.

“Hey, kiddo, you doing okay?”

Roman jolted; he was by the drinking fountains, a long journey away from the history classroom. He was still clenching the packet and Patton, who had apparently just exited out of a classroom Roman had never been in, was frowning at him with a face painted the embodiment of concern.

“Oh, I’m fine,” Roman said. He smoothed out the wrinkles in his stack of papers. “Just thinking about my extra credit assignment.”

“You were thinking pretty hard,” Patton said. He adjusted his messenger bag at his side. “You sure everything is okay with you?”

Roman shrugged nonchalantly. “I didn’t do so well on an important essay. Just a little bummed about it I guess. But hey, everything’s still Gucci.”

Patton nodded, looking as if he didn’t believe Roman in the slightest. “I know we haven’t been friends for the longest time, but if you need help- even just someone to rant to, I’m here.”

 _Was he being that obvious?_ “Thanks, I appreciate that, but I’m good.” He flashed a wide smile. He felt his hands going slippery with sweat. Patton was a kind guy, but Roman felt so uncomfortable around him. Patton was the kind of dude who had that creepy _I can see into your soul_ kind of vibe. Patton was the type who could see through Roman’s carefully crafted bravado and he _hated_ that. “I gotta- I have class in a sec, so. See ya, Pat!”

Patton gave a little wave with a slightly hurt smile as Roman took off. Patton probably thought Roman was the world’s biggest flaming jerk and Roman hated that. But he didn’t like anyone poking into him- making him feel like things were slipping out of his control. Which, really, things were starting to slip out of his control but-

He’d rather not acknowledge that.

-O-

 **Roman (4:40pm):** heyyy, could u help me on smthn?

 **Logical Disaster (4:45pm):** What is it that you require my assistance on?

 **Roman (4:46pm):** an ec history packet.

 **Logical Disaster (4:48pm):** I will help you. Could we meet at the sandwich shop at 6:00 pm? I’m having a meeting with my counsellor at 5:00 pm.

 **Roman (4:48pm):** sounds Gucci

 **Logical Disaster (4:49pm):** Are you referencing the brand Gucci? Or are you using the contemporary slang terminology?

 **Roman (4:50pm):** arent u cute.

 **Logical Disaster (4:51pm):** No, I am not.

 **Roman (4:52pm):** u kno me, logan. Im using slang.

 **Logical Disaster (4:53pm):** I will see you at 6:00 pm. Goodbye.

 **Roman (4:53pm):** :)

Roman began to shove his phone in his pocket when it began ringing, blasting I Hope You Die in a Fire, the screen reading **Puke is calling!** A few students turned to stare; Roman for once was tired of the attention being on him. He swiped to reject the call, making his way to sit down somewhere secluded. The phone began ringing again.

**Puke is calling!**

Roman huffed and answered the phone. “Hello, Roman can’t come to the phone right now. Please screw off. Bye.” He punched the end call button.

“Everything okay, Roman?”

 _Why_ couldn’t he get a moment of peace? Roman looked up to see Valerie staring at him with a frown. “Sorry, ex keeps calling me,” he lied.

Valerie rolled her eyes. “Ick. That sucks. Anyway, there’s another party tonight if you wanna come. It’s smaller than last night’s and everyone’s bringing their own drinks if that’s your thing. Interested?”

“It’s a Wednesday,” Roman said. “Finals are coming up.”

She shrugged. “I know. Just offering. It’s at Dylan’s cabin near the lake. It’s a little celebration for his birthday.”

Roman hesitated. He missed having fun; he missed not worrying about his stupid grades every second of the day. “I might be there,” Roman said. “I could use a little fun. Could I invite a friend?”

“Sure thing,” Valerie said. 

-O-

 **Princey (5:18pm):** eyyy

 **Hot Topic (5:18pm):** ayyyy :p

 **Princey (5:19pm):** u busy 2nite?

 **Hot Topic (5:21pm):** nope. why?

 **Princey (5:22pm):** wanna go 2 a party w/ me?

 **Hot Topic (5:22pm):** u know i’m not much of a party person

 **Princey (5:23pm):** ik

 **Princey (5:24pm):** itll b fun tho

 **Hot Topic (5:25pm):** ok, I’ll come.

 **Princey (5:25pm):** lit :D

 **Hot Topic (5:25pm):** -_-

-O-

Logan rushed over to Roman who sat at a table in the sandwich shop, staring at the history packet which had long become a blur of unintelligible letters and lines. Logan’s cheeks were flushed, his breathing erratic as he sat down, setting his briefcase beside his chair and laying a folded sheet of paper on the table. He brushed his hair away from his face and turned to Roman looking apologetic.

“I apologize for my tardiness; my meeting with the counsellor went over and then the printer in the library got jammed-”

“Take a breath, Logan, it’s all good.” Roman frowned at the folded sheet of paper. “What did you need to print anyway?”

“Well, I did some research and I found that oftentimes when one is struggling with their schoolwork it can negatively impact their mental health. I decided that perhaps it might be helpful to print off a few informative texts for you that might be beneficial.” Logan slid the paper forward.

Roman took it, feeling a rush of gratitude and affection for Logan go over him. However, all he could manage out was, “You could’ve emailed these to me, you dork.” Logan blushed and Roman kicked him lightly under the table and smiled. “But thanks. That means a lot, Logan.”

-O-

Roman swung around the drive-thru to the entrance where Virgil walked out, taking his hat to the uniform off and shoving it into the pocket of his hoodie. Roman laid on the horn and Virgil jumped back several feet, glaring at Roman.  

“Get in loser, we’re-”

“No quoting Clueless,” Virgil said.

“It’s Mean Girls, Hot Topic. Educate yourself.”

Virgil smirked, taking a seat in the passenger seat. “What kind of party is this?”

“Just a birthday celebration for some kid in theater. Hey, could you grab the cooler from the backseat, please? It has drinks.”

Virgil nodded and Roman watched in the corner of his eye as Virgil leaned over and grabbed the little red cooler from the back. His wrist knocked the little plastic lid and it clattered to the floor. Virgil’s eyes widened and his face switched into a mild panic.

“Hey, Roman?”

“Hm?”

“These are alcoholic.”

Roman flicked his eyes from the road to Virgil’s lap then back to the road. “Yeah. So?”

“You’re drinking tonight?” Virgil asked. His eyes were wide. “Dude, you’re underage!”

“What are you, the moral police?”

Virgil flinched. “No, but you’re- you’re the _driver_.”

“So?”

“You can’t drive after you’ve been drinking!”

Roman laughed. “Chill, edgelord. Just relax, it’ll be fine.”

“I can’t if you’re gonna get drunk! You’re my ride back, moron.”

“It’ll be fine,” Roman assured. “Okay?” Virgil shut his mouth, but the look on his face proved he wasn’t comfortable with what was happening in the slightest. Roman felt bad. He softened his voice and said, “Look, I won’t get drunk. Okay? I’ll only drink a little. It’s gonna be okay.”

Virgil huffed and stared out the passenger window. Roman pulled into the grass near the cabin to park. He could already hear the pounding of the music from outside. Kids were shrieking in glee and leaping into the lake with no care in the slightest. Roman smiled. He loved nights like these.

Virgil, however, looked as if he’d rather be anywhere other than there. He trudged behind Roman, grimacing. Finally, he shoved the cooler to Roman.

“I’m not gonna get busted with drinks.”

“I can drop you back off if you don’t want to be here,” Roman offered with a sigh.

Virgil looked for a moment as if he were considering it, then shook his head. “No thanks.”

Despite Roman’s annoyance, Virgil followed Roman around for the rest of the night as Roman kept breaking his promise to not get drunk, drinking until he was leaning on Virgil, hiccupping and laughing.

“I’m gonna karaoke.”

“There’s no karaoke machine,” Virgil snapped. “I’m calling Patton.”

“No,” Roman whined. “Patton will go all dad on us.”

“Maybe that’s what we need,” Virgil snapped. “I’m calling Patton.”

Forty minutes later, Patton pulled up at the front as Virgil drug Roman along with him. Patton gave a sympathetic smile. “Hey, guys.”

“I’m sorry for calling you,” Virgil said, “but Prince Underarm Stink over here decided to throw away all common sense.”

“I can’t leave Angelina,” Roman whined. For some reason, he found that really important. “I need her.”

“I can drive you to get it tomorrow, kiddo,” Patton said. “C’mon, in the car.”

“Virgil, you smell really good,” Roman mumbled. “You smell like my mom.”

Virgil curled his lip in disgust. “Thanks,” he grumbled, shoving Roman in the car.

“Can I play my music?” Roman asked. “Please, Virgil? I’ll love you forever.”

“No.” Virgil shoved his seat buckle on himself. If Roman wasn’t so drunk, he would have worried about how much Virgil’s hands were shaking. Instead, he just reached for Virgil’s phone, ignoring the one in his own pocket as they pulled away from the cabin.

“Please, I wanna listen to One Direction.”

“No.”

“Virgil, you okay, buddy?” Patton asked from the driver’s seat.

“Just peachy,” Virgil grumbled.

“Your hair’s so emo. Like, really emo. Why do you wear your hair so emo?”

“I like it this way.”

“Why do you wear eyeliner?” Roman asked. “My mom wears eyeliner.”

“Glad I remind you so much of your mom,” Virgil said with gritted teeth.

“Did you wear eyeliner in highschool?”

“Yes,” Virgil snapped. “Could you shut up?”

“Virgil,” Patton said gently. “Be a little nicer, okay?”

“Whatever,” Virgil said, crossing his arms and slumping into his seat.

“Do you ever feel stupid for wearing eyeliner? Because it’s kinda stupid.”

“No. I like it.”

“I like it. But some people in theater don’t like it.”

“I don’t care what people in the theater think.”

“Good. I don’t care what people think either.”

“Good for you.”

Roman leaned over and laid his head on Virgil’s thigh. “I used to clog dance.”

“Fascinating.”

“I should take you clog dancing.”

“No thanks.”

The car stopped and Patton got out. Virgil followed suit, dragging Roman out of the seat. Roman flung an arm around Virgil and leaned on his shoulder. “Can we go back to the party? It was funner.”

“How are we gonna get him in without anyone noticing he’s drunk?” Virgil asked, ignoring Roman entirely.

Patton sighed and tiredly scraped a hand over his face. “I’ll take care of it. You just head to your dorm while I talk to the girl at the front. Make sure you watch him, don’t let him lay on his back, and call me if you need anything, kiddo.”

Virgil nodded. Roman stumbled forward, half following Virgil, half being dragged by Virgil.

“I have a test in the morning,” Roman slurred. “Physics-”

“You don’t take physics,” Virgil said.

“Psychology- No, no- phys- physiology.”

“Just shut up before someone asks questions,” Virgil snapped.

“You’re the boss, man.”

“C’mon,” Virgil said, yanking Roman into the elevator with him.

“Virge.”

“What?”

“I’m gonna puke.”

Virgil grabbed Roman by his shoulders and shoved him arm’s length away from him. “Please wait. Please wait. Please please,” Virgil muttered to himself. The elevator door slid open. Virgil lugged Roman to the bathroom where Roman wobbled to the sink and threw up.

“I’m tired,” Roman complained after rinsing his mouth out in another part of the sink.

“Let’s go.”

Roman leaned onto Virgil for support until they made it to Virgil’s dorm. Virgil shoved him onto Michael’s bed and Roman laid down on his back; Virgil shoved him on his side.

“I want another pillow,” Roman said.

Virgil stood up and walked over to his bed, yanked his pillow up, and shoved it at Roman. “Night, Roman,” he said with a huff and sitting on the floor, legs crossed and hands tucked between them.

Roman buried himself deep under the clean comforter and closed his eyes. “Night,” he said, closing his eyes and allowing the heavy feeling in his eyelids to take over as he drifted off to sleep, something far back in his mind telling that he’d regret everything in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not condone underage drinking. (In America, Roman is underage, which is where the story takes place). I especially don't condone drinking and driving. If you're going to drink, please make sure you have a designated driver who will be sober and able to return you home safely. 
> 
> -End unnecessary, yet also kinda necessary PSA-
> 
> Let me know what you think! Feedback, critique, questions... your favourite brand of chewing gum; it's all appreciated! :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Thursday, May 11 th 2017**

“You are such a moron, Princey.”

Roman groaned as his alarm blared from Virgil’s lap who sat on the floor glaring up at him. He noticed Virgil’s eyeliner was still applied and bags smeared under his eyes. He looked similar to a rabid, sleep-deprived racoon and it wasn’t a comforting sight.

Roman sat up, holding his head tightly within his hands. Virgil took mercy on him and switched off the alarm. A hand shoved forward in his face and he saw two blurry blue pills sitting in Virgil’s palm. He reached out and took them, swallowing them in one gulp.

“Did you get any sleep?” he asked finally.

“What do you think?” Virgil snapped.

Roman sighed. “No?”

“No. No, I didn’t. And you, just restating things here; you are the biggest moron to hit the planet!”

Roman looked up at Virgil and winced at the lights; they felt like little razors tearing into his eyes and throbbing his head. Virgil’s arms were crossed across himself and he kept glaring at Roman like he was the scum of the earth.

“I’m sorry. I put you in a bad situation,” Roman mumbled. “It was unfair.”

Virgil gave a cry of exasperation and stormed over to his dresser. He dug around until he pulled out a pair of sunglasses and handed them to Roman. Roman slid them on his face and looked back up to Virgil.

“I’m not mad at you for dragging me to the party or whatever. I’m not even mad that you compared me to your mom about fifty times.”

“I did that?” Roman asked.

Virgil laughed, sounding bitter and humourless. “Yes, you did. And you almost puked in the elevator. _And_ you- You know what? That doesn’t matter. You were going to drive back, drunk.”

Roman swallowed. He hated feeling this meek, this vulnerable. Virgil was looking at him like Roman was a child who just jumped in front of a bus and Virgil had to yank them back to the sidewalk. “I shouldn’t have brought you; I’m sorry,” he repeated.

Virgil flung his hands up and rolled his eyes. “God, your skull is pretty thick to not understand. If I wasn’t there, you would have put yourself into that kind of danger, alone. You would have driven back drunk and could have _died_. Do you know how many people die from drunk driving? Do you?”

“Uh-”

“And if I had to lose another person-” Virgil cut himself off and he looked mortified for a moment, then carefully schooled his expression back to anger. “I’ll let Patton lecture you later when you have to get your stupid car. I’m late for class.” He crossed the small dorm and snatched up his bag then exited the dorm, shutting the door with a dull _thump_ behind him.

Roman stared at the floor for several minutes, then jolted. “My history packet,” he yelped. He hadn’t completed it; he and Logan had only gotten about halfway through the thing before Logan apologetically said he had to head out.

He ran out the door and jogged down the halls, running through the building until he burst into his room. Kit was typing tiredly on his laptop in his bed, wrapped in the comforter. He looked up to Roman and snickered.

“I recognize the signature hangover look.”

“Shut up,” Roman snapped.

“Hey, back off, just teasing, man. You want painkillers?”

“No thanks.”

“Just offering,” Kit said with a shrug. Roman began digging through his bag until he found his crumpled history packet shoved between two textbooks. He groaned and smoothed it out, grabbing his laptop and jumping into bed. “Assignment due today?”

“My entire grade depends on it,” Roman said, feeling close to screaming. “I need to get it done. ASAP.”

Kit sighed and stood up, running a hand through his mess of bed-head curls. “EC history packet?”

“Yep.”

Kit yawned and picked up a discarded thick pink sweater and pulled it over himself as he made his way to his own bag. He dug around and produced a packet looking similar to Roman’s. “Here. Improvise on the written response so our answers aren’t the same.”

Roman’s eyes widened. “Dude, thank you. Thank you. Seriously-”

“Shut up. Don’t mention it.” Kit closed his laptop and dug around his drawer and threw a pair of shorts on his bed. “Good luck, man.”

Roman stuffed the two packets in his bag and began digging for clothes of his own. “Thanks.”

-O-

Roman was twenty minutes to class and felt his stomach twist with guilt as his professor looked at him with something like disappointment. At the end of class, she called Roman up to the front just as he expected. He handed her the packet and she gave him a smile.

“Thank you. I’ll have this graded by tomorrow so you can use it to study.”

Roman nodded. “Thanks.”

She sighed and then set it on her desk and looked up to Roman seriously. “I appreciate your hard work.”

“Thanks.”

“This’ll help your grade a lot,” she said, tapping the packet. “I’m proud of you.”

Roman shifted. “Thanks.”

She nodded. “Have a good day.”

Roman took that as his dismissal and headed out, stomach swimming with guilt.

-O-

**Patton (3:30pm):** Hey, kiddo! :D I’m driving Logan and Virgil to work today, so can you meet me at my car before we leave? I can drop you off to get Angelina! :D

**Instagram: 200 new likes!**

**Missed call from Puke!**

**New voicemail from Puke!**

**Transcript:** Hey, Roman. It’s Devon. I just wanted to get in touch with you, man. I wanted to talk to you for a minute. And look, uhm, I get it if you’re uncomfortable talking to me. I just have something I need to tell you. Call me if you get the chance. Bye.

***New Instagram Post***

  * **[Image of title floor in bathroom] @romantlks; im an idiot nd i wanna move across the country where everyone will forget about me :)))))**
  * **@DevonFX has liked your photo!**



-O-

Roman felt his nerves rising as the day went on. He wasn’t looking forward to facing Patton or even Logan. Were Virgil and Patton the type to talk about him to Logan behind his back? Maybe not, but Roman didn’t really want to take the chance. Logan probably knew and hated him. He’d probably print off a list of reasons why underage drinking was stupid or maybe a list of therapists because Roman obviously wasn’t very mentally sound at the moment.

Or maybe his imagination was running away with him again.

He made his way to Patton’s car; Virgil sat in the front seat, leaning against the door with his eyes shut. Maybe it was guilt, but for whatever reason, he made sure he was quiet as he opened the door to the back and slipped in beside Logan who was filling out a stack of complicated looking forms. Patton shot Roman a bright smile from the front and Roman hesitantly returned it.

“Who am I dropping off first?” Patton asked, his usual cheerful voice in place.

“Me,” Logan said, still filling out the papers as Patton pulled out of the lot. He glanced up when he was met with silence and looked from Patton to Virgil then Roman. “Is everyone… feeling okay today?”

No one answered. Logan frowned and clicked his pen. “Uhm… Guys?”

Patton looked in the mirror and smiled at Logan. “Everything’s all right, kiddo. Virge is just sleepy today! And Roman had a lot of school, I’m sure.”

“Oh,” Logan said. “Okay.”

Roman coughed. “So, Logan, how was your day?”

“It was okay. I’m filling out these forms to stay on campus over the summer.” Logan gestured to the papers in his lap. “They’re taking me much more time than I anticipated.”

“Sorry.”

“There’s no need to apologise.” Patton hit a speed bump and the Virgil scrambled awake, bangs completely covering his eyes. He stretched, looking around as if trying to comprehend his surroundings.

“Ugh,” Virgil mumbled. “Anyone got any mints? My breath tastes awful.”

Roman slid his hands into his pockets and pulled out a little container of Ice Breakers. “Don’t eat them all,” he said, handing up the container. Virgil looked back, met Roman dead in the eye and dumped the entire container of little mints in his mouth. Roman gasped.

“Dude!” Roman yelped. He glared at Logan who was muffling a smug smirk behind his pen. “I’m- I’m suing you!” he said, scrambling for something to say. “You- Emo Nightmare.”

Patton pulled into the parking lot of the store and Logan opened his door, waving. “Thanks for the ride, Patton.”

“No prob, kiddo.”

Roman kept glaring at Virgil as they pulled out of the lot. “Those were my last ones.”

“I’ll buy you a new one,” Virgil said after swallowing the mouthful. “And I’ll buy you the ones that don’t taste like leaves and snow.”

“I buy the good kind!”

“Mhm,” Virgil said. “Sure.”

Roman pouted the rest of the way to the fast-food restraint where Virgil gave a little salute and hopped out of the car. He was left in silence, awkwardly staring out the window as Virgil walked in.

“Wanna come up front?” Patton asked.

“Sure,” Roman said as casually as he could, but his voice squeaked at the middle of the word. Patton gave him a sympathetic look. He opened his door then moved to the front, shutting the door securely behind him.

“So,” Patton began, pulling out. “Are you okay?”

Roman frowned. He’d expected Patton to go straight into lecture mode- instantly begin hammering into him for being a foolish, stupid, moron. “What?”

“Are you okay? Like- you’re not feeling sick or anything? I’ve got Ibuprofen in the glove box if you need it,” Patton said softly.

“I’m… I’m good,” Roman said.

“You sure?”

“Mhm.”

“Okay. Good. Look at me, Roman,” Patton said; this time, his voice was more stern. Roman almost couldn’t bear to listen but he took a quick glance at Patton’s serious-set face then looked back to his lap. “What were you thinking?”

Roman swallowed. “I don’t know.”

Patton tapped the steering wheel then sighed. “What you did was reckless and dangerous.”

“I know.” Roman felt like he was drowning in a pool of shame and regret.

“You knowingly put yourself and Virgil into a situation that could have ended badly.”

“I know,” Roman said, his voice dropping even quieter.

“What’s going on, kiddo?” Patton asked. “I can see it in your face; you’re hiding something. Something that’s hurting you.”

“I’m not hiding anything,” Roman lied. His stomach twisted into nervous knots. “I’m just a little stressed. I wanted to have some fun.”

“You could have had fun without putting yourself in danger. I’ve had my fair share of making stupid decisions and I know you probably regret it. But I need to know you’d _never_ do that again.”

“I won’t,” Roman mumbled. “Are we almost there?”

Patton frowned. “Yes.” They drove in silence for a few more minutes; Roman felt like he was crawling out of his skin. Then Patton spoke up saying, “You can always talk to me, Roman. I promise. I’m not judgmental. I’ll listen. You made one bad decision- I’m not gonna hate you just because of that.”

Roman nodded. His throat felt tight. They pulled into the grass right up beside Angelina. Roman was afraid to move, afraid that doing so would trigger the tears pressing so hard against his eyes. He rolled his eyes up, taking the advice from all his old acting lessons to blink away the tears. The urge to spill everything was growing stronger by the second.

He grasped the door handle. “Thank you for dropping me off, Patton.”

“No problem.” Patton watched, eyes sad as Roman slid out of his seat. “You have my number,” he offered quietly.

Roman smiled and waved. “I know. Thanks.”

He took out his keys and twirled them on his fingers; with a breath of relief, he unlocked Angelina and got inside. As Patton pulled off, Roman pulled down the mirror above the steering wheel. His box of tissues had been laid on the floor by Virgil from the previous night, so Roman reached over and snatched about three and quickly went to work at wiping every trace of tears from his eyes.

Then he opened the center console and pulled out a small black bag. He unzipped it, pulled out a small tube of concealer and foundation. Leaning forward, he set to work on making every trace of exhaustion and sadness vanish from his face.

-O-

**Hot Topic (8:09pm):** I’m sorry for yelling @ u this morning.

**Princey (8:12pm):** im sorry. i was dum.

**Hot Topic (8:13pm):** will u come over to my dorm?

**Hot Topic (8:13pm):** nvmnvm, it’s chill if u don’t wanna come over.

**Princey (8:14pm):** ive got too much studying to do.

**Hot Topic (8:15pm):** oh, it’s fine.

**Princey (8:16pm):** have u slept?

**Hot Topic (8:17pm):** what’s it to you?

**Princey (8:17pm):** u didnt sleep last night bc of me.

**Hot Topic (8:18pm):** yea. so?

**Princey (8:18pm):** taek a nap @ some point so i dnt feel as bad. or just go to bed tbh. its late

**Hot Topic (8:20pm):** ok

**Princey (8:21pm):** virge, fr, im sorry 4 last night

**Hot Topic (8:21pm):** it’s ok

**Princey (8:22pm):** its rlly not lol

**Hot Topic (8:24pm):** look at u, taking responsibility.

**Hot Topic (8:24pm):** but relax, I’m not pissed anymore.

**Princey (8:28pm):** thx.

**Hot Topic (8:28pm):** (:

-O-

**Logan is calling!**

“Hello?” Roman said. He scratched down another answer to one of the math problems. The pencil lead snapped. “Ugh!”

“Are you that annoyed at my phone call?” Logan asked. 

“No, Logan, sorry. What’s up?”

“I was just wondering if you’d like me to help you again. With your coursework, that is.”

“Oh, you don’t have to help me if you don’t want-”

“My mom,” Logan coughed on the other line, “has been repeatedly calling me and I’d like a distraction.” Roman could hear Logan tapping his fingers onto something through the phone; a sure tell of nerves. “Patton says it’s helpful to express one’s wants when needed.”

“Oh. Yeah then. Sure. Wanna come over- Actually,” he eyed the messed up bed and textbooks all over the floor with disgust, “could I come to your dorm?”

“Certainly. Would you like me to grab coffees on my way?”

“Nerd, it’s _eleven_.”

A sigh. “Fine, no coffee then. See you in about five minutes.”

“See ya.”

Roman slipped his phone in his pocket and stuffed his math homework in a closed textbook. He grabbed the stack off the bed and shoved them in his bag, slung it over his shoulder, then headed out. He made his way down to Logan’s room. He knocked and the door swung open and Roman jolted in surprised. As opposed to Logan’s formal wear, he was actually wearing a pair of soft pyjama bottoms and a loose-fitting grey t-shirt.

“Come in,” Logan said.

“Dude, I didn’t know you actually could relax.”

Logan sat on his bed, crossing his legs and laying his hands in his lap. “I’m not having much of an enjoyable night,” Logan said quietly. “Sometimes it’s best to just… relax.”

“Well, that makes two of us,” Roman said. Logan looked up and frowned, looking as if studying Roman.

“You are not having a good night either?”

“Not really,” Roman admitted. Logan was the last person he would have ever expected to admit that to, but- well, there he was.

“You should change into more comfortable attire as well. It might make you feel somewhat better.”

“I didn’t bring my PJs, dude.”

“You may borrow some of mine if you wish. They’re in my drawer.”

“Thanks,” Roman said. He walked over to the dresser and sipped open a drawer with a little white label reading _Logan_. He shifted through the neatly stacked clothes and then frowned. “Logan,” he said.

“Yes?”

Roman reached in and pulled out the folded garment he was focusing on. “Is this a unicorn onesie?”

Logan jerked his attention to Roman, cheeks flushing pink. “Do not tell.”

Roman broke out into laughter. “You’re more human than you’d like people to think, man.” He placed the onesie back into the drawer and pulled out sweatpants and another grey t-shirt.

“Nothing like two bros being sad together,” Roman said in a sing-song voice.

“You’re sad?” Logan asked. Then frowned again. “Also, we are not brothers, we are merely acquaintances.”

“You make me feel so loved,” Roman said with a dramatic sigh.

“You avoided my question,” Logan said. “You are feeling… sad?”

Roman shrugged; it was his turn to feel embarrassed as he hid his flushing cheeks with pulling off his shirt and pulling the new one over himself.

“I’m sorry you’re feeling sad, Roman,” Logan said. “Perhaps studying will help us both by distracting our minds.”

Roman huffed out a small smile. “Yeah.” He moved over and sat beside Logan on the bed, bumping their hips together. “Thanks for helping me out so much, Logan.”

“It is no problem. I enjoy helping you. I- Teaching people is one of the things I feel content in doing.”

“That’s why you wanna be a teacher then?”

Logan nodded. “There is something satisfying about teaching someone something- and then watching them apply it. My mother has always been dismissive of teaching. She says it does not pay enough, but I- I want to be a teacher more than anything.”

Roman’s heart did a strange little twist. It was like at that moment he was realizing that as much as Logan tried to cover it up, he had feelings. Intense feelings. He had insecurities- most having been printed deep and scarring by his poor excuse of parents. Logan was a little fragile human, just like him, who wanted to succeed and try to bring himself some form of happiness.

“Are you crying?” Logan asked, startled. He scooched away from Roman as if it were he who was contaminating Roman with the tears somehow. “I apologise- I did not realize I would make you cry.”

“I don’t know why I’m crying,” Roman said with a laugh, wiping at the tears that were gently pushing at his eyes.

“Perhaps an overflow of stress- a troubling situation; I-” Logan looked desperate. “How may I help?”

Roman let out a small laugh and sniffled. “Read me math.”

“Will that not just make you cry harder?” Logan asked.

It took Roman a second; Logan was _joking_. Roman burst out laughing. “You right, you right.”

Logan reached out a hesitant hand and patted Roman on the back. “I am sorry you’re so distressed tonight.”

“It’s fine,” Roman said with another sniffle and frantically rubbed his eyes, hoping that maybe the stupid tears might stop. “Like I said, two bros being sad together.”

“Once again, I am not your brother.”

“It’s an expression, Lo.”

“Oh.”

“Remember how we met?” Roman asked randomly.

Logan rolled his eyes, a smile tracing the corners of his mouth. “How could I forget? You were incredibly foolish.”

“Yeah, well, what’s changed?” Roman said, self-depreciation edging into his tone.

“A lot has,” Logan said. “I think that we all are changing; even I am. For the better.”

“For the better, huh?”

“We learned from past mistakes and strive to make new and better decisions in the future. People are constantly growing in knowledge. You are too.”

Roman sighed, smiling. “Thanks.”

Logan smiled back. “Let’s study.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I WROTE THAT ENDING SIMPLY BC I AM THE BIGGEST PLATONIC!LOGINCE TRASH YOU'LL MEET AHAHA
> 
> Also, okay, I am so so so sorry for all of my late updates. But uhm- I'm trying not to burn myself out? Which I can feel is coming, lol, I am so unbelievably stressed rn. I've got midterms, I just switched classes, there are some personal issues going on, and I feel... ugh, I'm exhausted. And I love to write I just don't have *time* and then I feel bad for not writing... uGh. 
> 
> But tl;dr: my updates are gonna be sporadic and weird bc I'm stressed and I don't have as much time to write.
> 
> ANYWAY, let me know what you think... questions, comments, complaints... your favourite thing to do to relax (*nudge nudge*)- it's all appreciated!!! <333


	5. Chapter 5

**Friday, May 12 th 2017**

**Mom is calling!**

Roman rubbed his eyes and groaned as he leaned over to grab his ringing phone. He turned the screen on and flinched. _5:22 am_. He tiredly swiped to receive the call and sat up.

“Mom?”

“Hey, sweetheart. Are you busy today?”

“Mom, it’s a school day.”

“I know, but-” His mom sighed. “Is there anything important going on?”

“Yes.” He rubbed his eyes. “Finals are coming up. I have a bunch of stuff due.” His mom sniffled on the other end. “What’s wrong?”

“Honey, I- Your grandma isn’t doing well,” his mom said. “I want you to come see her as soon as possible.”

“You mean she’s gonna die,” Roman snapped.

“Don’t get _angry,_ Roman-”

“I’m not angry,” Roman said. “I’m sorry- I’ll. I’ll come up right now.”

“Roman-”

“It’s not a big drive. Angelina can take it.”

“I don’t care about your car, Roman. I want you to come up when you _can_.”

“Well if I fail out I’ll be able to come up all the time!”

“Roman,” his mom scolded. “Don’t.”

“Don’t what? Be honest?”

His mom sighed. “I should have waited to call you.”

“No, mom, it’s fine. I’ll be there in an hour or so.”

“ _Roman_.”

He hung up. The room was too silent, Kit’s soft snores from his bed being the only sound. Roman felt his heart hammering in his chest to a painful extent. He laid his hand there, trying to collect his breathing. Then he grabbed an outfit, his bag, phone, and keys and headed out the door.

The halls were quiet, only a few students moving around at a slow pace. Two girls sat in a corner arguing in hushed whispers. A guy leaned against a dorm door, typing on his phone looking angry. Roman prepared to go to the showers when he noticed a familiar face; Virgil was beside a drinking fountain taking a drink periodically then going back to staring off into space.

Roman hesitantly approached him. “Hey,” Roman greeted.

Virgil looked up and smiled. “Hey.”

“What’re you doing up so early?”

“What are _you_ doing up so early?

The two looked at each for a few seconds then Roman said, “I’m still sorry about yesterday- and Wednesday night.”

“I’ve gotten over it,” Virgil said. “Relax.” He frowned. “What’s up with you? You look- Anxious.”

“I’m fine.”

“That’s not what I asked,” Virgil said, rolling his eyes. “You look- Roman, breathe!” Virgil snapped, grasping Roman’s biceps. Roman took in a deep breath then released it; it came out as a pant. “What’s going on with you?”

“Nothing,” Roman said.

“Roman-”

“Nothing’s going on!”

“Roman.” Roman scowled and stared down at his feet. He heard the sound of Virgil gritting his teeth and Roman winced. “Roman, would you _listen_ to me?”

“I’m listening!” he snapped back.

Virgil huffed. “You know what you’re doing? You know what stupid art you’re mastering?” Virgil continued talking before Roman could answer. “A downward spiral. I don’t know what the hell is going on with you, but I’m watching you plummeting to the freaking ground.”

The words hit Roman like someone had whacked his chest with a baseball bat. He clenched his fists and puffed his chest, desperate to shove down the sick feeling bubbling in his stomach. “Oh, as you if have room to talk. If I recall, it you was you who was the one spiralling just a few months-” Roman snapped his mouth shut. Oh, he’d gone too far. Virgil was staring at him with an expression of… loathing.

“What.” It wasn’t even a question. It was just a razor-sharp word spoken in deathly quiet. Roman couldn’t answer. Virgil kept glaring. “You’re lucky I-” Virgil choked on his words and Roman watched as his eyes leaked, tears spilling over his cheeks and taking his dark eyeliner down with them. “You’re lucky I put up with you.”

“I should not have tried to make a jab at your past… mental state,” Roman said through the thickness in his throat. “I’m sorry.” He reached forward, hoping to grasp Virgil’s arms and provide some form of comfort, but Virgil jerked away with a distressed little shriek. Roman lowered his trembling hands.

“Please, I need- How can I fix this?” Roman asked desperately. More tears fell and Virgil angrily wiped them away, backing away from Roman, as if he were afraid of being harmed.

“I’m just worried about you, Roman,” Virgil spat. Roman would never have thought someone could say such soft words with such venom. “Because yeah, I’m one to talk. I can recognize a downward spiral because I’ve been down several.” Virgil’s voice was rising in volume. “So don’t be a jerk, don’t deflect, don’t insult me, just tell me what’s the matter with you!”

Roman swallowed. He’d never really had a friend in his corner before; not like this. Never. His heart thudded dangerously in his chest. “I was bullied in school.”

“Well, I’m sorry, and that sucks, but what the heck does it have to do with right _now_?” Virgil snapped, crossing his arms.

“A boy named Devon choked me out over a ball when I was ten.” Virgil blinked then frowned as if trying to put together the fragments in his head. “He left bruises. I didn’t tell my mom.” Roman took another deep breath and rolled his eyes, trying to pull a cocky smile. He sat down on the floor beside the drinking fountain. “It didn’t hurt. But he took my ball. My stupid little ball. There was no significance to it- I just thought it was a nice toy, ya know?”

Virgil slowly sat down across from Roman and uncrossed his arms. He began fiddling with his laces, staring at Roman’s knees; even though Virgil wasn’t looking at him, Roman knew he was still listening. He continued. “He kept it. Called me a princess. Made me feel pretty darned stupid if I’m being honest. He was one of the many kids who loved to torment me. Roman, the princess. Roman, the loser. Roman, the stupid, worthless, good for _nothing_ -”

Virgil kicked him. Roman startled, realizing he was clawing his fingers into his shoes. Virgil was still studying Roman’s knees. “You don’t have to list every single thing they called you,” Virgil grumbled.

Silence passed over them. “Anyway,” Roman went on, “it was just my mom and me, ‘cause you know, my dad died from cancer.”

“I actually didn’t know that,” Virgil said.

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry… that… sucks.”

“Yeah. Thanks. So- Uh, we made it work, right? We did. Her and I. I managed to graduate, 2.4 GPA, maybe, but I still graduated, you know? I met Devon in the halls and punched him in the face. Never lived a prouder moment.”

“Good for you,” Virgil said quietly. And he sounded like he meant it.

“But Devon found my Instagram,” Roman said. “So uh- yeah. And you know, no big-”

Virgil finally looked up and met Roman’s eye. “He did?”

“Yeah. He found it.” Roman swallowed. “Like I said, no big, but uhm- he liked every picture. Even old ones. Like, old _old_ ones. And uhm…” Roman pulled his phone out of his pocket and tapped the Instagram app. “I guess you can follow me now.”

He handed the phone over to Virgil who took it with a frown. Roman watched him scrolling and scrolling- and God, the silence was killing him.

“Say something.”

Virgil looked up. “Yikes.”

Roman sighed but laughed. “Anything but that.”

“So… you’re upset because he found all this… personal stuff?” Virgil asked.

“Yeah. It gets worse the further back you go.”

“I don’t have to go back anymore if you don’t want,” Virgil offered, handing the phone forward. 

“No, go ahead,” Roman said. He laughed again, airy and fake. “I don’t think I can say it all out loud.”

Virgil continued scrolling, eyebrows furrowed the entire time. Hours seemed to pass by, Virgil scrolling, completely silent, as Roman stared in anticipation. Finally, Virgil lowered the phone and slid it back to Roman. “He liked them all?”

Roman nodded.

“Even… uhm.” Virgil looked uncomfortable. “Even the really… sad ones?”

  * **@romantlks;** idk, sometimes i wonder if things ever get better.
  * **@romantlks;** yoooo, love it when jerks @ school spread rumors about my mom. but fr tho, I don’t get it. my mom’s the best lol
  * **@romantlks;** i really miss my dad 2day
  * **@romantlks;** thia account is becoming 2 emo. Brightening ur day w/ a pic of my Disney collection!!! i updated it this month. :)
  * **@romatlks;** does it get better?
  * **@romantlks;** my mom has 2 work 2 jobs to pay for me 2 eat but spoiled kids @ school are bragging about their stupid rich parents getting them gold watches. whatever tho. i think i only hate them bc they hate me.



Roman nodded.

“Crap,” Virgil said.

“My grandma has cancer.” Surprise flashed across Virgil’s face. “And she’s probably gonna die. Just my dad and-” Roman choked. “Sorry- I just wanna get it all out.” Roman laughed. “I guess you’re right about the downward spiral,” he confessed. “I feel like I’m literally drowning right now.”

Tears pricked against the corners of his eyes and Roman blinked, fluttering his eyelashes across his vision. A tear spilt over and he forced his tongue against the roof of his mouth. No matter what, the feeling of wanting to cry wouldn’t go away. He felt someone bumping into his side.

Virgil had scooted beside him and carefully put himself against Roman’s side. Roman clenched his eyes shut. Tears swam out, slowly trailing down his face. Roman felt fingers gently grasping onto his arm and a thumb softly running over the fabric of his sleeves.

“This is humiliating,” Roman mumbled, voice breaking. His chest shuddered and he pressed a hand against it firmly, determined to get through the moment with whatever dignity he had left.

Virgil’s head pressed into Roman’s shoulder and his hand gently began running up and down his other arm. “I drunk confessed a suicide attempt. It doesn’t get any more humiliating than that.” Roman’s chest shuddered again. “Breathe- a deep breath,” Virgil ordered.

Roman tried to be subtle as he did it- a deep breath. But his breathing just shuddered again. And then, it was like the dam burst; he let out a whimper and tears gushed out again as he began to cry, loudly and like a child. Roman couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried like that- probably years ago- probably when he was an actual _child_ who’d just watched his daddy placed into the ground. But he didn’t remember crying being so painful. Each breath hurt as he gasped through tears until he was a hiccupping mess on the floor beside the drinking fountain.

Roman felt dizzy; he felt exhausted. His entire body felt as if it were made of lead. He’d become limp against Virgil, leaning entirely on the other boy’s side. Virgil’s arm hadn’t moved from around Roman and his movements hadn’t stopped. Roman blinked, blearily staring at the two girls who were pretending not to pay attention to him from across the hall. He let out another quiet hiccup.

God, he was tired.

“Geez, Princey,” Virgil said with a sigh. “How long have you been holding this in? What the heck?”

Roman let out a long breath that came out way shakier than he would have liked. “I’m not used to having someone to talk about it with,” he said hoarsely.

“Well, you have someone to talk to now,” Virgil said softly. He moved his hand again, gently running over Roman’s arm. “Suppressing everything until it becomes too much never does any good.”

“I know,” Roman said. “I’m just an idiot.”

“Shut up,” Virgil said. “You’re not an idiot.”

“I yelled at my mom. She probably hates me now.”

“Apologize. Most people don’t start hating someone after one dumb argument.” Roman straightened up; Virgil’s arm lowered and he tucked his hands into his lap. “I hope you know that when I call you an idiot or a moron- all that’s joking. I don’t mean a bit of it. I actually think you’re cool.”

“You think I’m cool?” Roman asked. “Man, Virgil thinks I’m _cool_. My life is made.”

“Don’t push it, Princey.”

Roman laughed. “Are you okay though? You’ve seemed more anxious lately.”

“Perks of living with mental illness. You don’t know when it’s gonna act up,” Virgil admitted with a shrug. He was looking back at his laces again. “There’s just a lot going on, a lot of stress and everything with midterms.” Virgil did a little spinny motion with a finger then dropped it back in his lap. “And it messes with my PTSD sometimes. Eventually, I reach numbness. I think I’m at the numbness part right now. It’s hard to concentrate.”

“Oh.” Then, “You have PTSD?”

“Mhm.”

“That… sucks,” Roman said.

“That’s why I’m not big on parties. I don’t like the noise.”

“Oh. _Oh_ \- Oh God.” Realization hit Roman. “And I’ve dragged you to so many-”

“Don’t feel guilty,” Virgil rushed to say. “Please don’t. It’s not your obligation to bubble wrap me. And besides, there are aspects I enjoy. I had fun at the first theater party you took everyone to.”

“Even after…?”

Virgil nodded.

“I have something to confess,” Roman said.

“Yeah?”

“I found uhm- videos. Of you in high school. At parties.”

Virgil looked like he immediately understood. “Yeah, I just have to deal with that people will probably see them.”

“I’m sorry they’re out there, Virge.”

“Kids can be crappy.”

“Doesn’t make it okay.”

“You’re right,” Virgil said. “But still. It’s fine.”

“Is… Is the PTSD why you tried to…?”

“Kill myself?” Virgil asked. Roman nodded. “Yeah, kinda. Life just kinda sucks sometimes.”

“Yeah.”

“But people make it worth living,” Virgil said softly. He looked Roman straight in the eye. “It’s always worth living, even when it’s crappy.”

Roman agreed.

-O-

Roman called his mom back and apologized until his throat was dry. She told him over and over that it was okay. Eventually, he promised to come visit on Sunday to which his mom agreed. Then he headed to history class where his professor called him up, a gentle smile on her face.

“Here’s the packet. You did an excellent job, but make sure you read through the entire thing. There were some things you got incorrect.”

“Thank you,” he said. “Thank you so much.”

He headed out of the classroom, feeling lighter. At least that had gone well at the least. As he walked down the halls, his phone began to ring.

**Patton is calling!**

Roman hesitated then swiped to answer the phone.

“Hey.”

“Hey, kiddo! So, you left some of your books in the dorm last night. You want me to bring them to you or you wanna come grab them? Whatever works for you!”

“Oh, I can come grab them,” Roman said. “Thanks.”

“No problem-o, kiddo.”

Roman smiled. “I’ll be there in a couple minutes.”

“See ya.”

Roman hung up and slipped the phone into his pocket then headed down to the dorm, shoving the packet from history in his bag as he did so. He made it up to Patton’s dorm then hesitantly knocked on the door. It cracked open and Patton grinned upon seeing him.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Roman replied. Patton opened the door wider and Roman walked in, Patton shutting the door behind him.

Roman saw his books sitting on Patton’s head in a neat little stack. He walked over and grabbed them. “Thanks for calling me about them,” Roman said.

“No prob. You and Logan studied last night?”

“Yep,” Roman said as he slipped the books into his bag. “Well, kind of. We kept getting distracted.”

Patton nodded. “Easy to do.” He looked hesitant then said, “How’re you doing today?”

“Good. How about you?”

“Pretty good. I saw a puppy-”

Roman’s phone began blasting I Hope You Die in a Fire. Patton’s eyebrows raised, mouth parting in a small o shape.

**Puke Is Calling!**

“Uhm,” Roman swiped to reject the call, “sorry about that.”

“Who’s _that_?” Patton asked.

“No one.”

“No one? That’s your ringtone for everyone?” Patton asked.

A lump was wedging its way in Roman’s throat as he rushed to say, “No, no- I mean, kinda- yes. I mean, not for _you_ obviously, it’s a just a silly _joke_ -” The phone began blaring the same song. Roman’s hands trembled as he rejected the call again.

“Roman?” Patton asked softly.

“Thanks for the books, da- dude, _man_ , shit.” The swear slipped as the phone began ringing again. “Stop _calling me_!” Roman shouted, rejecting the call again.

The room was bathed in silence, Roman staring down at his phone with shaking hands and Patton staring in complete, innocent and oblivious confusion. “Roman, you okay, buddy?”

Roman nodded.

“Who was calling?”

“Just some guy,” Roman said. “It doesn’t matter.”

“I think it does,” Patton said softly. “I think it matters a lot.”

Roman swallowed. “Just some guy. It doesn’t _matter_.” Patton gently grabbed Roman’s arm and pulled him down onto the bed so the two were sitting side-by-side.

“Tell me,” Patton ordered. “You don’t have to lie to me, Roman.”

“His name’s Devon.”

“So it is someone,” Patton remarked.

“He bullied me in high school.”

Patton made a sympathetic noise. “I know how that feels.”

Roman frowned and looked to Patton. “You do?”

“Mhm.”

“Is it stupid I can’t get over it? How much he hurt me. How much he made me feel worthless?”

“It’s not stupid,” Patton said. “Not stupid at all.”

“He keeps calling me. He wants to _talk_. And I’ve been putting off calling him back,” Roman explained, “all week. I’ve been stupid and cowardly and-”

“Roman, stop,” Patton said. “Don’t do that, kiddo.”

Roman ran a hand through his hair and flopped it back in his lap. “I don’t even have the courage to call a stupid bully from _high school_.”

“Yes you do,” Patton said. “I know you do.”

“I _don’t_.”

“Really?” Patton asked.

“I don’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because…. Because I’m scared.”

“Of?” Patton prodded softly.

“He’s gonna apologize. And I don’t know if I can forgive him. I’m disgustingly bitter.” Roman flipped the phone over in his hands. “I can’t- I can’t do it.”

“How about I stay right here with you and you call him back?” Patton said. “Only if you want to, kiddo. Sometimes it helps to have a friend with you when you’re doing something difficult.” Roman took a deep breath then nodded. Patton smiled softly. “Okay.

Roman slowly turned his phone over again and dialled Devon’s number.

Devon answered within two rings. “Hello?”

“Hi.”

“Hi- is this Roman?” Roman felt his stomach clench; Devon sounded so similar to how he’d always sounded in high school, even on the phone.

“This- this is Roman.”

“Hey, buddy.” Roman’s hands were tight against the phone.

“Hi,” Roman answered.

“Uhm… so,” Devon let out an awkward laugh, “been trying to get ahold of you for a while.”

“Been busy,” Roman squeaked out. Patton reached over and gently squeezed his knee. Roman was vaguely aware he was shaking, barely holding the phone up to his ear with sheer will alone. “School’s just been school, ya feel?”

Devon laughed, fake and awkward once again. “Yeah, man, I feel you. So uhm… I thought I should actually call you for this. Get it out of the way.”

“Uh huh.”

“Well, I dunno how to start, but uh…” Roman heard Devon swallow. He wondered if Devon had someone beside him, gripping his knee like Patton was to him; someone to ground him and keep him from throwing the phone into the ocean. “You didn’t deserve a bit of how I treated you in school.”

“Oh.”

“And it was unfair of me- beyond unfair. It was messed up. And I’m so sorry, Roman. Seeing your Instagram,” Devon’s voice broke, “it hurts that I hurt you so bad.”

Roman felt his lip trembling, angry tears prickling at his eyes. He sucked in his lip and mumbled a soft, “Mhm.”

“I’m so sorry, man. Nothing can fix the past.”

“Mhm.”

“You were going through your rough stuff and I only made it worse for you.”

“Mhm.”

“You don’t ever have to forgive me,” Devon said. “But I want you to know that I am so so so sorry.”

Roman flicked his eyes to the ceiling. They were burning even worse. He was angry, sad, and confused all at once. Devon had made his childhood hell. He’d made Roman angry and bitter and hard against the world. But-

Roman didn’t remember too much about his dad. But he remembered one day when he came home from work holding a folder, eyes wet with tears.

_“They fired me,”_ he’d said. Roman’s mom’s eyes widened. _“John’s been stealing from the stock rooms. He blamed me.”_

_“What’re you gonna do?”_

_“Forgive him.”_

Roman thought his dad was dumb. He thought that his dad shouldn’t have forgiven John. But his dad sat him on his lap and told him how John could barely afford to feed his family. He told Roman that forgiving someone doesn’t mean excusing them. It’s just picking yourself up and not letting the hurt they carry hurt you.

“I forgive you,” Roman said into the phone quietly. There was silence. His heart hammered in his chest and he felt sick and exhausted, but less burdened.

“Thanks,” Devon said, equally soft.

“Congrats on the baby.”

“Thanks, Roman… Congrats on your achievements, man.”

“Thanks.”

“Bye.”

“Bye,” Roman said. He held the phone to his ear until it clicked to hang up. Roman slowly lowered it. His shoulders began to shake as a few whimpering cries slid from his lips. Patton was wrapping his arms around him in an instant, gently shushing him. Roman buried his head in his hands, crying for the second time that day.

“I’m so proud of you, Roman. So proud,” Patton said firmly. “That was so brave. Good job.”

Roman didn’t feel very brave. But at least, for once, he didn’t feel like a disappointment; he finally felt like he’d made someone proud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so 1) I don't really like to swear, but the use of the "s" word felt appropriate because of Roman's growing frustration. I'm sure no one cares and nobody needs an explanation, but I'm notorious for explaining things that don't need explained. *finger guns*
> 
> 2) I'm sorry for all the crying in this chapter- I'm honestly terrified that my feelings and sadness lately are projecting onto my story and no one is in character anymore. 
> 
> 3) I'm doing NaNo this month (and I'm in it to WIN IT :P), but that means less updates. Sorry. :/ 
> 
> 4) Feedback (as usual), is much appreciated! Question-of-the-update: What food do you like to treat yourself with? Mine is Reese's Peanut Butter Cups or Skittles. ^_^


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the curtain falls...

**Saturday, May 13 th 2017**

**Hot Topic (7:30am):** hey, princey. Feeling any better today?

 **Princey (7:32am):** yea.

 **Hot Topic (7:33am):** do u have any studying today that’s super important?

 **Princey (7:33am):** not really no. y?

 **Hot Topic (7:35am):** I wanna do something fun today. Just get out, get some air.

 **Princey (7:36am):** r u just doing that 2 try and make me feel better?

 **Hot Topic (7:37am):** yeah. You got a problem w/ that, princey?

 **Princey (7:37am):** nope

 **Hot Topic (7:39am):** k. so. We’re gonna start the day off by going to hot topic.

 **Princey (7:39am):** r’nt u cute -_-

 **Hot Topic (7:40am):** I’m dead serious. I’ll have pat pick us up.

 **Princey (7:41am):** harhar

 **Hot Topic (7:41am):** dnt know why ur laughing- I’m not joking.

-O-

Apparently, Virgil _really_ wasn’t.

Patton, Logan, and Roman all stood as Virgil stood, holding up two graphic MCR t-shirts in front of his chest. The girl working the front counter looked beyond bored as she scrolled through her phone, glancing up every once in a while to watch the four college students, only one really fitting into the general aesthetic of the place. Logan glanced at his watch subtly for the fifth time since they’d entered the place and Roman inwardly sympathized with him.

“Which looks better?” Virgil asked. “A-” he pushed forward the one in his left hand, “or B.” He extended the one in his left hand.

“They’re both an emo nightmare,” Roman grumbled. The girl at the counter snorted.

“I think B suits you better, but you pick whichever _you_ like better, kiddo!” Patton said.

“Logan?” Virgil asked, cocking his head at him.

“Objectively, B is far less… busy.”

Virgil hung option A back on the rack and pulled option B over his arm. “I’ll go with B,” he said.

He walked over to the counter, set the shirt down and pulled out his debit card, and handed it to the girl. “Would that be all?” she asked.

Virgil nodded. Logan leaned forward and frowned, watching the girl’s wrist as she scanned the item. She had a small infinity sign tattoo with the words, “ _infinite reasons_ ,” written in a fancy scrawl under it.

“I like your lemniscate,” Logan said. The girl looked up, confusion evident on her face. Roman giggled behind his hands.  

“Excuse me?”

“Your tattoo is very nice,” Logan said.

“Oh.” She smiled. “Thank you.”

“Forgive him, he’s terribly awkward,” Roman said.

She grinned again, swiping Virgil’s card. “Nail polishes are on sale,” she said. “Four for ten. Interested?”

Virgil’s cheeks flushed red as he looked at the others as if _they_ would judge him for being interested. Roman decided to take the lead, clapping his hands together. “Okay, everyone pick a colour. Everyone’s getting a Roman-worthy manicure tonight. My treat.” Roman pulled out his wallet, pulling out his own card.

“I have never-” Logan began.

Roman interrupted him. “Shh, don’t speak. Just pick a colour.”

Patton was already digging enthusiastically through the bin and pulling out a pastel blue colour. Logan sighed in resignation and pulled the plainest colour of earthy green he could find and set it on the counter. Roman pulled out a glittery red and set it down and looked expectantly to Virgil. Virgil grabbed solid black.

“Okay, new rule: no plain black,” he said.

Virgil rolled his eyes. He pulled out a bottle of purple nail polish that was so dark it was nearly black in itself. Roman sighed in defeat and gestured to the counter as Virgil smirked in victory. The girl scanned the items and Roman handed over his card, humming to himself. Then the girl handed him a bag and the four headed out.

Logan took a breath of the fresh air. “Why is everything so closely compacted in there?” he asked.

“I think it’s cozy,” Patton said. Virgil grinned and stuck out a fist, which Patton bumped back with an equal amount of enthusiasm.

“Where are we eating?” Roman asked.

“I call shotgun!” Virgil yelled before anyone could reply.

Roman rolled his eyes. “Well?”

“We could grab some sandwiches from Fast Food Hell,” Logan suggested.

Virgil laughed. “I don’t wanna see that place this weekend; let’s just grab sandwiches from Logan’s fave place.”

“Fave- does that mean favourite?”

“Yep,” Virgil said.

Soon enough, the four were walking into Patton and Logan’s dorm holding several bags of food and a cardboard tray of drinks. They deposited the meals on the bedside tables and Roman grabbed his bag then flopped down onto Patton’s bed. Logan flicked open a folder and began writing something onto the papers.

“Who wants to go first?” Roman asked, patting the spot on Patton’s bed beside him.

“Ooo, me!” Patton said giddily. He flopped down right beside Roman, splaying his hands out, nails upward. Roman grinned in response.

“Alrighty then.” He cupped Patton’s right hand in his and examined it. Patton’s hand was soft and perfectly relaxed. His nails were a little long, but there didn’t appear to be much of an issue. He was the embodiment of a perfect patient.

Roman started by trimming the nails then carefully filing them down to what he deemed a reasonable length.

When Roman was little, he got into his mom’s nail polishes. His mom just rolled her eyes and said, “Let’s do manicures.” So they did; his little family sat in a circle in the living room and his mom painted everyone’s nails; Roman’s red, his dad’s red, and her own a navy blue. Then he and his dad went out to the store to grab popcorn for a movie night.

The cashier asked, “You let your boy paint his nails?”

“He’s seven,” his dad said. Roman didn’t understand why he looked mad.

Then he went to school the next day and as he pulled out his lunch, Devon asked him, “Are you a girl?”

Roman frowned. “No. I’m a boy.”

“Then why’d you paint your nails?”

“My mommy and daddy let me.”

“Princess. You’re actually a girl,” Devon sneered.

“No I’m not,” Roman said. “I’m a boy. I’m a prince!”

Devon kicked him in the knee and Roman flinched. “Princess,” he muttered as he walked away.

Roman had scraped the polish off in the bathroom sink, eyes brimming with tears as the hot water washed over his fingers.

Roman shuddered at the memory. “You okay, buddy?” Patton asked softly.

Roman shrugged. “Mhm,” he mumbled softly. He swiped the brush over Patton’s pinkie finger, carefully to steady his hands. Still yet, a drop flicked on the side of Patton’s finger. Roman quickly snatched up a toothpick to remedy it, gently brushing away the paint from Patton’s skin.

“You sure?”

“It’s just been a while since I’ve done this,” Roman said. “I’m a bit out of practice.”

“I think you’re doing fantastic,” Patton assured. Roman smiled and swiped another streak across Patton’s pinkie.

As soon as Roman finished Patton’s last nail, Logan snapped his folder shut and let out a long sigh. He slipped the folder in his bag as Patton got up off the couch, lightly blowing on his nails.

“Your turn, Logan,” Roman said. Logan walked over and seated himself in front of Roman, hands tucked in his lap.

“I gotta _hand_ it to ya, Roman, you did a great job!” Patton said, eye his nails. Logan groaned.

“None of your silly puns,” Logan said. “Don’t.”

Virgil snorted from Logan’s bed. “Hand,” Roman ordered. Logan extended a hand, muscles tense and rigid. His nails were all clipped at nearly the same length and Roman noticed a couple small scattered scars across Logan’s skin on the surface of his hand. Roman began filing them down, watching subtly as Logan stared as if memorizing and calculating each and every move.

“Stop,” Logan said halfway through Roman’s filing. Roman stopped, frowning.

“Yes?”

“Why do you file them instead of just… cutting them?”

Roman laughed. “Oh, Logan. So ignorant.” He continued on with Logan’s nails.

Logan huffed. “I am not ignorant.” Then, after a moment of silence and Roman grabbing the little bottle of polish, he said, “Do you think green will look… silly?”

“No,” Roman said. “Green will suit you.”

“Are you sure?” Logan asked. Roman recognized the look on Logan’s face; insecurity.

“Positive,” he said with a reassuring knee pat. Logan didn’t relax in the slightest, but he did let Roman begin to paint his nails. Roman’s pinkie brushed the scars on Logan’s hand at one point when he was fumbling with adjusting the edges of the nail and Logan jerked as if electrocuted. Roman frowned, trying to meet Logan’s eyes.

Logan was avoiding eye contact. “A piggy bank broke,” he explained.

“Okay,” Roman replied softly.

Logan nodded. “Curiosity is a normal human reaction.”

Roman didn’t know what he was talking about, but still responded with an, “Of course.”

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Logan snapped, loud enough to make Patton look up in confusion.

Roman shrugged. “No reason. Lemme see your other hand.”

Logan stared at Roman as if calculating his expression, then stretched forward his other hand. “I apologize. My response was illogical.”

“It’s fine.”

“My mother broke a piggy bank on my hand when I was sixteen, because I stole $150.00 from her account and tried to abandon the household. In hindsight, it was a foolish mistake.” Logan shuddered, as if he were angry for saying a word. “I apologise- that was an ill-timed outburst.”

“It’s fine, Logan,” Roman said, unsure exactly what to say, but still desperate to reassure him. “I’m sorry Logan. Your mom… sucked.”

Logan nodded, lower lip beginning to wobble. Roman felt his hands growing clammy, still gently grasping Logan’s hand between his fingertips. He hoped Logan didn’t cry. Oh God, Logan wasn’t the type to cry, was he?

“I filed a restraining order against her, Roman,” Logan said. “Was that a logical decision?”

Roman stared down at Logan’s hands. “Yes,” he said. “Of course it was.”

Logan looked satisfied and nodded again. However, a few tears leaked down his cheeks. Roman gasped. “Oh, no, none of that.” He dramatically dropped Logan’s hand and cupped his face, swiping away the tears. Patton crawled over onto the bed beside Logan and wrapped his arms around him.

Logan’s shoulders jerked as he tried to suppress his cries. Virgil slowly stood up and sat down beside Roman and carefully placed a hand on Logan’s knee. Logan scrubbed his eyes, taking deep breaths.

“I apologise, this was supposed to be a relaxing evening,” Logan said.

“Don’t apologise,” Roman said.

“But am I not just bringing negative “vibes,” as you call them? You stated once before that you dislike them.”

Roman rolled his eyes. “You’re far too hard on yourself. I don’t care about the _vibes_ right now. Are you okay, Logical Disaster?”

A small smile edged at the corners of his mouth. “I do not understand your nicknames.”

Roman smiled softly in return. “Of course. No one ever will.”

“You’re avoiding the question though,” Virgil spoke up.

Logan sighed. “I am… conflicted.”

Patton hugged his arms around Logan’s body even more tightly. “That’s perfectly fine, kiddo. Whatever you’re feeling is okay.”

“I do not like to feel confused.”

“Everyone feels confused at times,” Roman said, gently pulling forward one of Logan’s hands. He returned to the nails, swiping the green polish over Logan’s fingernails. “Nothing wrong with it.”

Logan sighed and for once, his body relaxed. Patton smiled, shifting so he and Logan were sitting side-by-side.

“I’d really like to give your mother a piece of my mind,” Virgil grumbled.

“Same,” Patton said.

“I would happily destroy her for you; all you have to do is ask,” Roman remarked cheerfully, fixing the edges of Logan’s last nail. Though he meant it jokingly, Roman couldn’t say that he could ever be particularly civil if he met Logan’s mother. Matter of fact, Roman thought it would be best for him to be restrained if he ever met her- it’d take all his self-control and more to keep from decking her straight in the face.

A small smile graced Logan’s face. “I would not necessarily protest to that.”

“Oh, Logan has a bad-boy side to him,” Virgil teased.

“Oh no; I would discourage Roman, certainly. Physical violence is never the answer. However,” Logan made a fist, thumb tucked to the side, “never tuck your thumb inside your hand or you have a chance of breaking the bone.”

Roman burst out laughing. “You are ridiculous.”

“What? It is logically sound advice,” Logan said, wiping his eyes; the smug smile in place felt far more satisfying to see on Logan’s face than the tears.

Roman felt like his heart was going to explode; he’d somehow found the stupidest, most absurd group of friends in the entire world. But- he wouldn’t trade them for anything. They were absurd, sure. Ridiculous and weird. But they were kind and caring people who he could trust with his life without a single moment’s hesitation.

“Thank you all- for putting up with me,” Roman said finally.

“Aw, Princey’s getting sentimental,” Virgil said.

“That’s Virgil’s way of saying we don’t just put up with you, kiddo,” Patton said. “We’re your friends!”

“It was actually my way of saying I want you to hurry up and do my nails, but that works too,” Virgil said.

“I feel so appreciated with you, Hot Topic. You lather on the praise too thick at times. I simply cannot take it,” Roman said dramatically, unscrewing the lid to the dark purple polish. He scooped up Virgil’s hands and had to smother a shudder; Virgil’s nails were completely tortured, chewed down to the bone. Nothing his skills couldn’t fix, but still.

“Oh, stop. You flatter me,” Virgil said.

“Of course.” Then, quietly, almost hoping the others wouldn’t hear him, “Thanks for being my friends.”

They did hear; Roman could see it in their faces. Patton looked a little choked up and reached over, patting his knee.

“You’re great, Roman. We all really think so.”

Roman ducked to hide the biggest smile he’d shown in days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My Grammarly extension nearly broke with all my errors in this chapter and I HOPE I fixed them all- anywho. 
> 
> I'm gonna try to tackle a story in this series about Patton. Then I think this Human!AU will draw to a close. Maybe. if I can bear to part with it.
> 
> Thank you to all who supports this stupid series. It's silly, really. But it means so much.
> 
> I'm in a weird mood tonight and I am at a loss for words. All I can say is- I pray you all enjoyed this. Feedback, as always, is so appreciated.

**Author's Note:**

> *rubbing hands together* YA GIRL'S BACK AND SHE'S BRINGING A N G S T TO THE TABLE. 
> 
> But being real here, I have no idea if this is crap or not. Or if this... AGH, Okay, so... no negative self-talk. I uh- this is what I feel is my best draft and uh- I like writing Roman? Even if I'm not good at it- I mean, uh- even though I'm _wary_ about it. *finger guns* I tried. :p 
> 
> Let me know what you think! Critique, questions, a story from fourth grade... It's all appreciated. 
> 
> tumblr; ssides


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